strange season

(strange season via philip gowman)

i'm in a strange season in life.

one no one prepares you for.

because no one expects it to happen to you.

so they prepare you for the hard time they're confident you'll endure...

the sleepless nights, the unexplainable crying around 6 pm, the hard to accomplish feeding schedule...

but no one mentions what to do if your baby dies.

why would they?

how strange would that be.

i'm sure if someone did this, i would be appalled.

and so i'm here in this season of childlessness.

it's not the childless season i was in before.

no, this is different.

before i was childless by choice.

now i am 
         child 
                less. 

i wake up in the morning refreshed, i have no confusing schedules and routines to figure out.

no stress about the feeding schedule, no wondering when was the last nap, so i can make sure i get a feeding in before the next play.

no preoccupation with baby that has me wondering where my day went.

no accomplishment with finally getting baby to sleep.

no little joys that make the fatigue and stress all worth it...

just my normal life.

everything is the same as before, but very different.

this really shouldn't be.

what am i supposed to do here?

should i just wait around to get pregnant again?

or should i be grieving?

but grieving is a process that doesn't necessarily happen every day.

it comes randomly throughout the day.

i can't plan it into my schedule.

it feels wrong to move on. 

to take advantage of the free time that i have.

because i really shouldn't have it.

but since i'm here god must think this is good

he must know what i should be doing with this time.

he will show me.

maybe it's ok to not know what to do. 

maybe i don't have to prepare for everything in life.

maybe some things are meant to be lived out and looked back on for later.