strange.

today was the first time since this summer that i took my camera outside of my apartment and challenged myself to take some pics. i'm kind of proud of myself. i think i might have trespassed to get these but it was so worth it. :)  there is a boys home near us that has the most interesting playground. it's adjacent to a cemetery, the swing set is old and rusty and there are shoes hanging from the electric wires. strange. but perfect.

 what a strange wind it was today. whistlin' and whirlin' and scurlin' away

like a worried old woman with so much to say. what a strange wind it was today.

what a strange wind it was today. cool and clear from a sky so grey

and my hat stayed on but my head blew away- what a strange wind it was today.

-Shil Silverstein

quotes.

my babe preached today.

the topic- suffering

i wanted to share some encouraging quotes from his sermon.

lucky for me, he types out his sermons so i didn't have to try to remember all of this:

"Fear God, no one can really harm you in suffering."

"Nobody can harm you if you are zealous for what is good. But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be happy. Don't be afraid of them, and don't be anxious." 1 Peter 3:13-14.

The greatest harm is separation from God. Real and true harm is hell.  You may be able to take my arm, or take my leg, or throw me in jail, and the affects of sin and a broken world may take my son away, but they can never take my God away from me. Nothing, can separate me from Him!

"In the life of the Christian, God uses what the world says is only horrible and only bad for good, always!"

"There is a huge difference between enduring suffering because you have an intellectual trust in God and enduring suffering with joy because you know God, and the hope that you have.  One says, "yes, this suffering and pain is bad but I know that God can be trusted. so, I trust him.  The other says, this suffering is good, because God is good and He uses all things for good, even my suffering.  One response fears God and brings glory to Him. The other, fears other things and brings glory to them."

"If your kids are your master, and you fear them, in that you put them where God belongs and, heaven forbid, they're taken from you, and you have to suffer the loss of them, your world falls apart. You are harmed. Glory to your kids. If your job is your master and you fear losing your job all the time, and then you suffer the loss of your job, you world falls apart. you are harmed. Glory to your job."

"How you handle suffering has very little, if nothing to do with the loss and everything to do with what you value. "

hope that was somewhat encouraging to someone.

Those who recognize that their suffering in this life is never as great and as serious as their sins find joy in an unexpected place in the midst of suffering. Because the great mystery is not, Why do I suffer? No. The great mystery is why would the sinless Son of God suffer as my substitute on the cross for my sins, receiving the wrath that I deserve so that I might be forgiven and declared righteous. That is the Great Mystery of Mercy.- C.J. Mahaney

fish, birds, objects and lilies

via

this is going to sound really strange.

but sometimes i wish i were a fish, or an inanimate object.

who has no worries or cares.

who feels no deep sadness or ridiculous anxiety.

who just lives every day without the slightest concern for the next moment.

who assumes everything will go according to plan, 

who has no responsibility and feels no pressure

who doesn't care what any other thing thinks about it.

because in the world of fish and objects thinking doesn't happen.

some days this kind of a life seems attractive (sad, i know)

and because i seem to be stuck in the strange thought at the moment, i will close this post with Matt. 6:26-34

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns,

 And yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 

And why are you anxious about clothing? 

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 

Yet i tell you even Solomon in all his glory was not arryaed like one of these. 

But if God so clothes the grass, which today is alive and tomorrow thrown into the oven, 
will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?... 
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, 
for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

maybe i'm not that strange, maybe i'm on to something....

more than friends

i'm glad to say we are more than friends.

we are best friends.

best friends forever.

love you babe!

strange season

(strange season via philip gowman)

i'm in a strange season in life.

one no one prepares you for.

because no one expects it to happen to you.

so they prepare you for the hard time they're confident you'll endure...

the sleepless nights, the unexplainable crying around 6 pm, the hard to accomplish feeding schedule...

but no one mentions what to do if your baby dies.

why would they?

how strange would that be.

i'm sure if someone did this, i would be appalled.

and so i'm here in this season of childlessness.

it's not the childless season i was in before.

no, this is different.

before i was childless by choice.

now i am 
         child 
                less. 

i wake up in the morning refreshed, i have no confusing schedules and routines to figure out.

no stress about the feeding schedule, no wondering when was the last nap, so i can make sure i get a feeding in before the next play.

no preoccupation with baby that has me wondering where my day went.

no accomplishment with finally getting baby to sleep.

no little joys that make the fatigue and stress all worth it...

just my normal life.

everything is the same as before, but very different.

this really shouldn't be.

what am i supposed to do here?

should i just wait around to get pregnant again?

or should i be grieving?

but grieving is a process that doesn't necessarily happen every day.

it comes randomly throughout the day.

i can't plan it into my schedule.

it feels wrong to move on. 

to take advantage of the free time that i have.

because i really shouldn't have it.

but since i'm here god must think this is good

he must know what i should be doing with this time.

he will show me.

maybe it's ok to not know what to do. 

maybe i don't have to prepare for everything in life.

maybe some things are meant to be lived out and looked back on for later. 

black friday

i'm not a big Black Friday fan. 


long lines, cranky people, and yes even good deals couldn't get me to wake up at 3 am on my day off. 


but those who love this day might appreciate this:

the blessing of nuisance

i guess you could say i'm implying she's a nuisance... oops

"oh, no here she comes... she's gonna wanna talk forever about her problems and issues and i just don't have the time. it's most likely going to be about something we've already discussed. i told her what she needs to do to fix her problem, she just needs to do it. how can i make this short and talk to that one person I've been trying to chat with for so long? i've been thinking about her all week and i think i could encourage her. but this girl is going to steal all my time and i'll miss her again." 


it might just be me, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this?


do you know someone like that?


the nuisance?


the person that seems to never have it together?


the person who makes you feel justified in avoiding her?


have you ever wondered why God has her in your life?


i do.


i've been thinking about this a lot and I feel like God's impressing a new perspective. He's revealing a lot about me through some difficult relationships. thought i'd share:


i've found that maybe this person is in my life for my good, even more than i am for theirs.


i've found that God might actually be showing me-ME.


the way i go to him and talk forever about my issues/problems and spend little time listening.


the way his words tell me what to do but i seem to find myself doing the same thing over and over and over again.


but yet he's alway there, ready to listen, he never leaves me nor forsakes me and when i stray away, he pursues me.


now, there is nothing special about me that makes him want to look out for me, to make him want to spend time with me and listen to me. 


it's simply because jesus became the nuisance for me on the cross that i am able to come boldly before the throne of grace to find stregnth in time of need. 


so with knowing what christ has done for me, and the way god now treats me because of it- shouldn't it change my view of everyone around me, including the nuisance?


shouldn't i be more open to listen to her, shouldn't i be pursuing her instead of trying to avoid her? 


christ has died and rose so i don't have to be bound by my old avoiding ways, he has freed me to be bound by righteousness.


in his love for me, he has shown me how to love the nuisance, who is actually no different than myself.


this is a very hard thing to come to grips with and i've noticed three thing that make it so: I love to love nice people. i don't believe God is good. I feel a strange pressure to change everyone with an issue.


it's so easy to love nice people. the ones who compliment me, listen to me and think of ways to serve and encourage me. sometimes i wonder if i actually love these people. i think i love how they make me feel. when i'm faced with difficult people i realize how little i love. how much i need in return in order to give. i'm realizing the only way to learn to love is to have a difficult person in my life- who gives back very little. who might talk a lot or not talk much. who might be cold, or insensitive, or not say anything good about me. who might always do the wrong thing and want my advise yet again. it's with these people that i find i cannot love in my own strength. i need a savior! i need to see love demonstrated for the most unloveable (me) and have that move me to love others. 


i think another reason why i might shy away from people like this is because i don't believe that god purposely planned for this person to come into my day and make it difficult. in that moment i believe that god only allows comfortable things into my life. and because this person is making my life hard i want them out. when i realize that nothing in my life is random and everything is for my good, even hard things, i can look at this person from a different perspective. i can look for ways god is trying to grow me specifically, not just the other person.


lastly, i think difficult people are hard for me to be around  because i feel a need to be the holy spirit in their lives. i think to myself, "ok, so god put this person in my life today, it's so obvious that they have a real issue, i'm sure god sees it, so i'm sure he has me here to help her see her problems." this is such a prideful thought. it's sounds awful written down and much better in my mind. but this is obviously such a wrong perspective. it makes my encounter with that person a chore. whenever i'm thankful to God for the difficult person in my life and i pray for god to use me however he will, i tend to have a much better time talking and even listening to that person because the pressure is not on me. it's up to god to do as he will and if he decides not to use me to say anything profound to this person, that's totally ok. there are a million other people and ways that God will be working in this person's life, so it's ok for me to relax and actually enjoy this person's company.


i've come to realize the problem is always me. there is always something wrong with my heart, some form of selfishness is always there. God wisely uses my irrrittaion and annoyance to show me my sick heart and through his spirit creates a clean one.

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.- Thomas Kempis


Give to everyone who begs from you...

and as you wish that others would do to you,

do so to them.

if you love those who love you,

what benefit is that to you?

For even sinners love those who love them.

and if you do good to those who do good to you,

what benefit is that to you?

for even sinners do the same.

And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive,

 what credit is that to you?

But love your enemies, and do good, and lend,

expecting nothing in return,

and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, 
for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.

Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

(Romans 6:15-23,Luke 6:30-36, Romans 8:28)

inconvenient love

via

i was on my way home from a busy day at work.


i was tired.


ready to relax on the couch.


my phone rings.


it's my babe.


then the dreaded question is asked...


"can you do me a favor?"


"do you a favor? i'm so tired, you do ME a favor!" is what I thought.


"ok, i guess," is what i said.


"can you bring me my headphones, i need them to concentrate..."


"i didn't even get home yet! where are you?"


"at the starbucks near the house, can you just run inside get my headphones and drive them to me, i really need them babe."


"ok, i'll be there soon"


i was not very happy about this, i wanted to go home and stay there.


i'm heading back to my car now, after getting home and enjoying it's comfort for a literal second, this thought enters my mind.


be glad you have a husband to run an errand for.


many people go home, to a comfortable couch after a long, tiring day of work with no one that thinks to call them.


how they wish they could run an errand for a special someone.


and so, as i got back into my still toasty car, i thanked god for the inconvenience of having a family to love.

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:3-8

Andrew Peterson - Dancing in the Minefields (Official Video)

"we were made to live for so much more"

I had a good day today.

I'm so thankful. Today was so nice. We had no plans tonight, no meetings- it was just us.


I even had a chance to sit and read with a nice cup of peach tea. I stumbled across this book 'Seeing and Savoring Jesus' by John Piper.
A random quote from the book 

We are all starved for the glory of God, not self. No one goes to the Grand Canyon to increase self-esteem. Why do we go? Because there is greater healing for the soul in beholding splendor than there is in beholding self. Indeed, what could be more ludicrous in a vast and glorious universe like this than a human being, on the speck called earth, standing in front of a mirror trying to find significance in his own self-image? It is a great sadness that this is the gospel of the modern world.

That is all for today. I just wanted to post something today. To have the memory that God chose to be merciful today by giving me a  simple one. I sure needed it.

bitterly sweet...

Life can be painfully sweet.


There is such sweetness in seeing the face of a good friend's newborn.


And such pain when you realize you don't have one to show.


This is my place today.


The place of bittersweetness. 


Whose floor is covered with pins and balm.


As it pricks it heals.


It calls me to more when I have nothing to give

It provides the grace to rejoice with those who rejoice, when all I have is mourning.

In this place, I find strength I never knew, grace never needed before, peace surpassing my understanding


This painfully sweet place...

who is like YWH? aka Micah

My goal is to share the goodness of God.


To hopefully make your heart at ease about suffering.


To share how hard it is to go through this, but not to stay there...


To show you that you don't need to be afraid when suffering comes, because God is near to his children. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. And that it is possible that his words can become truer to you than the horror you face.


I want to share that when faced with the horror of holding your dead child, amazing peace and strength is given that is uncomprehendable. (yes i made that word up) In that very horific moment you actually live out the peace that surpasses all understanding talked about in Philippians 4 and the strength provided for the weary talked about in Isaiah 40. They are no longer words on a page, they are the truest true.


We aren't diest, we serve a God who is very present and knows exactly what we are going through. So I should have a hope, I shouldn't fall into complete despair. Is it hard? Very. Would I rather another way? Yes. Do I miss Micah? Everyday.. But for some reason I'm feeling like my focus shouldn't stay there. The fact that God is good and only writes good things into my story should shout louder than the whispers of my suffering. 


I've found that so much of life is about perspective. The way I perceive my life and the God that I serve dictates how I endure through life. The one thing that influences my perspective is what I put into my mind. I find the more truth I have in my mind about God, the easier it is to get through that day. 


It's when I start doubting God's goodness that the days get hard. It's when I question his words that I become miserable, bitter and jealous. So yes it is true that we don't live by bread alone but on every word from the mouth of God. I'm a dead girl walking around when I'm living on my own words/bread, but am rejuvenated when his words are in me. In suffering God has forced me to see that this is what I need- that Micah dying is the best possible good for me.


All this to say, God is good. If you are suffering know that it is not in vain, God has a goal for you and it is to make you desire Him more than anything else- and the only way to do that is to make life a little bit harder for you. In our comfort we don't really desire God, because we already have what we want. So God in his wisdom takes away the lesser things to give us himself- the greatest thing. Your suffering doesn't have to be as big as a loved on dying, it could be as simple as a rough day at work. (which is actually not simple when your in the middle of it. So i guess all suffering is big when your enduring through it.) Whatever hard thing there is in your life, it's there on purpose to leave you discontented with this place and wanting more of Jesus.


I feel like the best way to honor Micah is to speak about his death in a way that brings God glory. Micah is actually doing that right now and I'm sure that's what he wants me to do in sharing about his short life.


And so I'll be sharing his story in another post. This post is already too long. I'll just leave you with some quotes:

Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.  The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream.- Larry Crabb

Even the saddest things can become, once we have peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.- Frederick Beuchner

car worship

Am I the only one that does this?


Ok, so your driving in your car. You have some worship music on or some kind of Christian music playing.


Your singing along, feeling really spiritual.


And then someone cuts you off, or breaks out of no where.


And then you hear yourself say, "YOU IDIOT!" right in the middle of your sing along


It might be a little like this: "All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, YOU IDIOT!!, I have a reason to worship."


Is it just me? Really?


That happened to me today.


I just had to laugh to myself. I can't even worship right in the car, I'm so depraved.


I'm so thankful I'm saved by grace through faith and not by how well I car worship...

the not so pretty, pretty pattern...

Just when everything started to go good, something bad happened.

That seems to be the pattern...

And although it's a pattern, it seems to surprise me every time it happens.

For some reason, I expect for things to go smoothly here, or at least I expect it to happen eventually.

I seem to be waiting for the time to come when everything goes right.

In some ways, I feel like I deserve it you know.

I mean, come on, I've been through a lot these past few months, give me a break.

Make my life easy from here on out..

No more challenges, just nice easy living.

I think I'm really saying, "I paid my dues, now pay yours."

Thankfully, God in his grace doesn't listen to my folly.

I noticed that I've been thinking like that the past few weeks.

These past few weeks have been challenging for me in ways I didn't expect. 

I expected to be wallowing in misery over my sons death. It's been very hard, but for some reason I'm able to cope, somehow I'm able to say "God is good". God has given me joy, peace and a clear mind in that area of my life. I cannot explain it, it's a miracle. (So that was something bad, then something good)

But for some reason, something way more insignificant seems to be bugging me- my anxieties and my fear of man... (then something bad- see the pattern??)

It's been harder to fight than ever before and I can feel my heart saying, "God seriously, give me a break. I've been through enough already, I don't want to deal with my spiritual growth right now. I want to sail smoothly into eternity from here on out. I endured through my fair share of suffering." For some reason, He's not down with that, and is allowing another form of suffering into my life.

For other people it could be right when you get your finances in order, you loose your job.

Or right when your marriage seems to be going smoothly, some new communication issues comes up.

Or right when you seem to be getting your parenting down, your kid comes up with a new sin that you have no idea how to handle.

Or right when you've gotten over this one struggle, a new one comes up.

I mean, I could go on for eternity, lol

There is always something that just messes with our perfect little earth.

Or maybe there is something wrong with us.

Maybe our perception is off, maybe we don't actually get that this place isn't perfect and isn't our home.

Maybe it's actually normal that, right when things are going good, they start to go bad.

Maybe the miracle is that things actually went right for some substantial amount of time in the first place.

Praise God for His grace and mercy through Jesus- who allows the sun to shine on the just and the unjust- who by his mercy graces us with good days and gives us the strength to endure through the bad.

Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

us? adopt? really?

I'm somewhat of a late bloomer.

No, not somewhat, I'm just a straight up late bloomer.

I was locked in a closet most of my life so I didn't actually start living 'till around the age of 21.

Most of my life I was focused on two things: trying to find someone to love me and trying to get through each day without getting in trouble.So I very rarely thought about what I was passionate about- I was too distracted.

All that to say, I'm 25 now. I feel like I might have a passion. I'm almost too scared to type it out loud, but I'll whisperly type, I'm interested in adoption.

There is something about it that intrigues me.

The way it so clearly depicts the gospel amazes me. To adopt is  to actually touch the gospel- everything about it from choosing someone that doesn't have anything tangible to give back, to loving one that is not your own as if they were, is nothing short of a miracle and such an opportunity to display Jesus' love for us.

I may be romanticizing the idea. I know it's not all a bed of roses. I've heard stories of children with attachment issues who struggle to accept the love of their current parents because of the trauma they went through growing up. They act out, they test, they don't love back, at least not in proportion to the love received.

But I feel like even that displays the gospel.

Sometimes I wonder if God uses those children to show us our actual spiritual state. The way we test God and struggle to attach ourselves to him. The way we doubt his words and goodness to us. The way we go off track and walk our own way only for God to come to our rescue yet again. The way we mess up over and over and over again only to be loved with the fiercest kind of love, unceasing until the day we are finally glorified- finally whole.

Isn't adoption interesting? There is something about it that makes very little sense, naturally speaking. Like, why would you go out of your way to bring a child into your family who isn't "yours"? Why go through all the trouble? Do you realize how stressful, time consuming, costly and insane that is? But the question always comes back around to why did God go through all the trouble to get us? He is our example and He calls us to the stressful, time consuming, costly and insane. That seems to be the way he works.

It's a mystery. I am thankful that God has impressed on Anthony and I to share in the mystery and to hopeful glorify him one day through adopting.

Yes, us. Adopt. Really!

Weak is Good

I'm learning that to be weak is ok.


God created us each as image bearers, with specific weaknesses to be used to glorify him.


The very thing we want removed from our lives- if only we didn't have that one weird thing about ourselves we would be a pretty cool person-- whatever that thing is, that is there on purpose-


Every person has it and God wants to use it, not remove it.


The weaker you are the more powerful God can be through you.


His power is not only manifested when we've overcome our weakness.


But also despite our weakness, in the very midst of it...


I saw this happen yesterday.


We are sharing our stories in community group. I am really bad at public speaking. You might be thinking, "Oh I struggle with the same thing", I'm sure I'm worse at public speaking than you are, but anyway... I had to share my story and I prayed for God to be glorified through me. And then I had this eureka moment. Everytime I've prayed for God to use me in this area, I figured he would miraculously change me from being a bad public speaker to an amazing one.  That would be God glorifying wouldn't it? But he impressed on me that he doesn't need to remove the weakness to be glorified, he can be glorified even when my weakness is very very evident. And that is exactly what he did.


I shared my story.


It was rough.


I was nervous.


I didn't get all my thoughts together.


But somehow people were encouraged by my story.


Not only were they encouraged but I was encouraged by their grace to me in the midst of my weakness.


So God was glorified.


He was glorified right in the middle of my weakness.


That's the miracle I've been waiting for.


So as much as I would like this thorn to be removed, it's nice to know that I don't have to wait around for my better self to arrive.


It's nice to know that whatever self I am, no matter how weak this self may be, it can be used for God's glory.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor. 12:9

medicine for feelings

today is a rough day

my life is not going the way i want

nothing is going right.

my life is one challenge after another. i want to give up today.

everything seems to be a big deal.

my lying thoughts feel louder than anything else.

where is the still, calm voice?

i desperately need to hear it today.

i feel worthless, useless, purposeless, i might as well be dead.

where is the still calm voice?

my thoughts are so loud, the voice is too still, too quiet...

i'm frantic now, i need truth anything will do.

my thoughts are taking over they might consume me.

get me out of here, this can't be what God has for me.

wait, what?!

i can't hear you still, calm voice.

this is what God has planned for me today?

this has to be some kind of mistake.

this couldn't possibly be a good thing for me.

this is much too hard.

i can't do this, i'm too weak today.

wait, what?!

his grace is sufficient?

so being weak is ok?

i don't have to be together? everything doesn't have to go right?

i don't have to have all the right words and act the right way?

hmm, for some reason my heart is settling.

my mind is clearing.

peace is entering this rough day.

the truth is mending me.

i wrote this this morning, after having a long weekend. my emotions were all over the place. i just felt low and crappy. i think i was just consuming myself with how i was feeling and not on anything true. i started out writing the above feeling extremely depressed. what is so interesting is that as i typed truth to myself my depression broke for a moment. As I started to realize that this hard morning was ordained by God and that his grace would see me through it, my heart started to settle. God is so faithful to his words, they are the only medicine for a crushed spirit.

"avoid the mistake of concentrating overmuch on your feelings... above all, avoid the terrible error of making them central. if you put them there you are of necessity doomed to be unhappy because you are not following the order that God himself has ordained... after all, what we have in the Bible is Truth; it is not an emotional stimulus, it is not something primarily concerned to give us a joyful experience. it is primarily Truth, and Truth is addressed to the mind, God's supreme gift to man; and it is as we apprehend and submit ourselves to truth that the feelings follow."

thankful snapping

i haven't taken pictures much since Micah died. i've just lost all motivation. but tonight i decided to pull it out of my closet, blow off the dust and snap away. that's when i realized how thankful i am for friends who welcomed me back to work with these flowers:

and then i looked around for something else to capture and that's when i saw the pile of sympathy cards we received. we are so loved. i am so thankful to God for providing us with good friends and family who have prayed for us and walked with us through this hard time. i don't think i know we couldn't have made it without them.

thank you for reflecting God's love.